Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Read online

  He made it very clear he did not want to be here.

  But it was the similarities between his sister and me that made Ethan so interested. When we first met last year after Oscar had attacked me, I’d learned his sister had also been raped, then passed away shortly after. Ethan didn’t go into the details about his sister, but wanted to know every aspect of my traumatic past. I didn’t mind, either. If it helped him come to an understanding about what happened to his sister, I’d do whatever I could to help.

  A strong scent of death drifted up to my nose upon entering my dorm room, and I quickly covered my nose with my hand as my door closed behind me. I tossed my new notebook over my desk before following the source.

  The unbearable smell curdled my senses, and bile burned the back of my throat in warning. Crouching down, I pulled out the rolling cart under my bed. The sight before me sent me back on my hands, crawling away until my back slammed against the desk. A scream belted from my throat, and my eyes bulged at what I was seeing.

  A dead, mutilated animal laid in the cart.

  The color of red and fur mixed with my clothes.

  Crawling to my trashcan, I leaned over right as the contents in my stomach came up.

  “Mia?! What in God’s name…” I heard before hands gripped my shoulders.

  I recoiled at the sudden touch and twisted around, pressing myself closer to the wall. Once I noticed the hands belonged to Ethan, my arms flung around his neck, and I cried into his shirt collar. Ethan’s body went stiff for a moment before he relaxed and pulled me in closer. His hands grasped the back of my head.

  “Who would do this?” I cried out.

  Ethan’s hold around my waist tightened as his hand moved over the back of my head, “Some sick fuck,” he muttered through an exhale. “Come on. I have to get you out of here and call this in.”

  Ethan shielded my eyes from what waited for me on my pull-out cart and walked me just outside the door in the corridor. He led me against the wall as I tried shaking the image out of my head. His blue eyes stayed on mine while he unclipped the radio from his belt and talked into it.

  “Yes, wing four…” he repeated into the radio. Ethan clipped the radio back over his belt and hunched over with two hands on my shoulders. “Has anything like this happened before?”

  Shaking my head, I tried to control my trembling hands.

  “Has anyone threatened you?”

  Shaking my head again, I said, “No one. It’s been quiet all summer.”

  Another tear fell down my cheek, and Ethan reached out to capture it but paused before contact could be made. He sighed and dropped his hand and head at once.

  “Ethan … ” My voice broke and I let his name hang in the air as both a plea and a question. I wanted to tell him to make this go away—to find a way to erase the last ten minutes, but I could no longer speak. I bit the inside of my cheek to avoid showing emotion and fight back any more tears from escaping.

  Ethan lifted his head and held my face with one hand. “Stay here while I look around?”

  I nodded, and he took off.

  My back fell against the wall and I slid down until my bottom met the ground.

  “So, where are you going to be staying now?” Jake asked over the running water of the showerhead.

  No matter how long I stayed under the water, the visions of the dead cat wouldn’t disappear. Scrubbing my body until it turned pink, I replayed the last couple of weeks over and over, trying to find a flicker of a hint as to why someone would do something like that—nothing. “Take a wild guess,” I said through a sigh.

  “Please don’t tell me a different wing.”

  “No, Officer Scott wouldn’t allow it,” I said low, hoping he didn’t latch onto the comment or make something of it. No one knew the friendship Ethan and I shared, not even Bria. My friendship with Ethan stayed hidden in the middle of the night and far away from everyone else. It was all mine, and something I cherished. Up until the dead animal was found in my room, he had the ability to separate work and me. It was only a matter of time before his two worlds collided, and I wondered how this would change things between us.

  “Then, where?”

  I turned under the water and tilted my head back, massaging my fingers into my scalp. “Ollie’s old room.” The room where we had first kissed. The room I’d slowly fallen in love with him. The room we’d made love on countless occasions.

  “No way,” I heard Jake laugh from the opposite side of the wall separating us, “Oh, you poor thing. That’s pure torture right there.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Do they know who did it?”

  “No, but they opened an investigation.”

  I turned off the showerhead and rung out my hair. “Shit, I forgot a towel. Can you grab me one?”

  “Yeah, one second,” Jake said, and I waited naked as the cold slowly crept over my wet body. Moments later, Jake pushed a towel through the opening of the curtain. “Thanks.” I wrapped the towel around me and opened my curtain. Jake was already in his boxers and standing in front of the mirror, squeezing toothpaste over his toothbrush.

  I cocked my head over to the entrance of the bathroom to see Ethan standing against the wall. As soon as our eyes met, he turned his head away and adjusted his stance.

  Since last year, security presence doubled around campus. A security guard was assigned to each wing, Ethan was ours, and the guards rotated between the mess hall and the community bathroom. I tightened the towel around me and grabbed my toothbrush from the sink. “And I have to wear the looney bin clothes until I can get new everything,” I added, eyeing the tasteless clothes waiting for me on the counter. My old ones, including my “Cute but Psycho” shirt, had been ruined in blood.

  Jake spat a mouthful of toothpaste. “Oh, this just keeps getting better and better.”

  “Yeah, you should see the underwear they gave me, too.”

  He rinsed off his toothbrush before tapping it over the edge of the sink. “I don’t know why you care. It’s not like you’ll let anyone see your knickers, anyway.”

  Though I couldn’t see, I felt Ethan’s eyes on me again. I turned my head, and my eyes met his piercing-blue, narrowed eyes. The way he treated me like a child annoyed me, but then he looked at me like this, and I figured screwing with his head a little would help with the day I had.

  The few stragglers emptied as the steam gradually lifted. We had half the students here during the summer, and it wouldn’t be long before the community bathroom crowded again, and I would have to start taking my showers in the morning.

  “Alright, I’ll see you in the AM.” Jake tousled his blonde hair and high-tailed out as I finished brushing my teeth.

  It was just Ethan and me. Turning to face him again, he tensed against the wall; eyes fixed on me, hands clutched to his belt. He wanted to turn away, struggle carved in his features, but a more powerful force kept his eyes trained on me.

  I released my towel and it dropped to my feet.

  Ethan’s jaw clenched behind his light red stubble, and his eyes scanned up and down my naked body. The rest of him stayed glued against the wall. The thick air swirled around us as we both breathed deep, staring at one another and chests rising in sync.

  Finally, a look from him I’d been waiting for—admiration and appreciation.

  “Get dressed, Jett,” he finally said from the throat, clearing it afterward. “Please.”

  “I never said thank you,” I picked the towel off the floor and towel-dried my hair, “but I’m tired of you treating me like a kid.”

  He turned his head away. “Then stop acting like one.”

  “Do I look like a child to you?”

  “Don’t do this,” he warned.

  “No, look at me,” I forced out with a finger pointed at my chest. Ethan dropped his head momentarily. My heart plummeted
as I waited, begging to be looked at again—waiting to be appreciated again. The same way Ollie did. “Do I look like a child to you?”

  Ethan lifted his head, and his eyes soaked me in as the rest of his face fell. “No, Mia, you’re definitely not a child.”

  He slapped the wall behind him with his palm before walking out.

  Ollie’s dorm looked like every other room now. It no longer screamed “Ollie” and now had a desk, a lifted bed, and a rolling cart—prepared for the next prisoner, which was me. My notebook sat on the desk, and I took a seat before opening it. Blank pages waited to be filled. It didn’t take long before ink colored an entire page before I moved on to the next. The day became my muse, writing about everything between the sick surprise in my room to Ethan’s gaze in the bathroom to Ollie.

  My thoughts always ended with Ollie.

  That night, my own screams woke me. Ethan never showed. I kicked off my covers and peeled off my sweat-drenched looney bin sweater clinging to my body and tried to catch my breath.

  The days that followed were the same, Ethan avoiding me during the day, and by nightfall, the fear of a terror kept me awake. Some nights I cried myself back to sleep, and some nights, I didn’t go back to sleep at all.

  “You still having nightmares?” Bria asked as we sat around the circle during WASA—Women Against Sexual Abuse. We held our support group in the group therapy room before dinner on Thursdays. During the summer, we only had one other girl attend, but I was sure once the semester officially started in just a week, more would trickle in.

  “Unfortunately,” I sighed, crossing my legs in front of me. We never sat in the chairs, always took it to the floors. It seemed less official that way. “And it’s like I’m back pedaling because I don’t even know what they’re about. My slate wipes clean every time I wake up.”

  “You might have a sleeping disorder. Like sleep apnea, which can prevent you from remembering.” Tyler shrugged.

  Tyler started Dolor this summer. Her, Bria, and I became friends during our meetings. Come to find out Tyler was as much as a know-it-all as I was. Our stories were similar. Tyler was raped about a year ago and couldn’t overcome the anxiety that came along with it. She’d hurt herself multiple times. After being thrown into a mental hospital twice in one month to protect her from hurting herself, she ended up here—cast and thrown from society like the rest of us. Tyler had long, blonde hair, but we shared the same brown eyes. She was shorter than me, but only by an inch. Her figure was fuller, but after a few more months, her weight would drop. It was inevitable, and she couldn’t wait.

  “When did all this start?” Tyler asked.

  “I had them when I was little … after the incident. But they didn’t come back until after Ollie left…” Missing him only strengthened with each passing day, and putting on a face for everyone to see became a daily battle. Torn between two worlds—life with Ollie, and life after him. Only, I never wanted or expected an after. My body and my heart both refused it, keeping me up each night, inducing the night terrors. He lingered inside my head, words always haunting me, his voice always reminding me of what we had. He’d left this beautiful trauma inside me, and the flame of what we shared burned.

  This time, though, I wanted the flame to blow out.

  The burn was too much to bear alone, incinerating me to nothing, only to wake up and relive a new day without him all over again.

  “Oh, right … Ollie,” she sang his name. “It’s a shame I never got to meet this Ollie that I hear so much about.”

  “Maybe Ollie’s absence is your trigger,” Bria chimed in. “Ever thought about that?”

  “He did help me out of the long-term funk. Maybe I relied on him too much … I don’t know … anyway, let’s focus on you,” I pointed to Tyler, “You still on that medication the psychiatrist prescribed?”

  “Yeah, Dr. Butala is a godsend that stuff is the holy grail. No anxiety. No depression. I’ve never been happier.”

  Bria rolled her eyes. “I’m wondering at what point it will wear off. You have to get immune at some point, no?”

  “Way to be positive,” I muttered.

  “I’m just trying to be realistic. Medicine will only get you so far, and eventually their effects will wear off and you either have to switch to different pills or find the root of the problem,” Bria countered.

  She had a point, but I didn’t want Tyler feeling defeated. We all needed to take it one day at a time.

  “I don’t know, but this prescription I’m on has increased my libido or something. I haven’t thought about sex since the incident, and now I’m looking at every bloke that walks by having thoughts I shouldn’t,” Tyler confessed. “Not to mention … fantasies about Jake.”

  With that, we all fell into a burst of laughter.

  “This is good!” I laughed, trying to catch my breath, “We all sound like a bunch of horny teens.”

  Tyler raised her hand. “Technically, I’m still a teen.”

  And she was right, Tyler was still nineteen. I had just turned twenty while Bria turned twenty over the summer.

  “Hey, New Kid looks like he could use a little fun.” Bria smiled.

  “Jude gives me a bad vibe,” I admitted. After bumping into him in the hall before the cat incident, I haven’t been able to shake his grip or stare.

  “Everyone gives you a bad vibe,” Bria countered.

  That was true.

  After crying myself to sleep, I woke to a dark room with a cold towel pressed against my forehead. “Ollie?” I blinked my eyes open.

  “No, Jett. It’s Ethan,” Ethan answered, leaning over me with worry struck in his eyes. “It’s always Ethan.”

  Without an afterthought, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, only wanting his security and comfort to clothe me as I gasped for a steadfast breath. Unexpectedly, Ethan abandoned all principle and rolled over beside me, pulling me close. His strong arms pinned me against the heat of his body as his fingers moved the hair from my face.

  “I’m mad at you,” I whispered.

  Ethan sighed. “I’m mad at you, too.”

  I pulled my head from his chest and searched his face. “What did I ever do to you?”

  “You’re a constant distraction,” he explained. “Now roll over, Jett.”

  Listening, I flipped over on my other side away from him and closed my eyes as the tears for Ollie fell like clockwork. Ethan gathered my hair and flipped it up off my neck before placing the cool towel at the nape like every night before.

  Though, tonight was different.

  Tonight, was the first night he had ever climbed in beside me. I wanted it to be Ollie next to me, but having Ethan did lessen the blow—a little. The tears still came as the memories preyed on me, weakening me. I clenched my eyes, and the visions emerged as my cries drifted into the night.

  I was held captive by the love Ollie gave, and the future he built for us. But the day Ollie slipped away, I shattered. For seven months, I was left behind picking up the pieces.

  And Ethan was on his knees, helping me.

  I’d never asked him to, either. Though here he was, holding me as I broke away all the pieces he just picked up the night before—a recurring nightmare.

  There was little Ethan knew about Ollie, only the fact he was Oscar’s brother who had been arrested for drugging Bria and myself and almost raped me. The first night I’d cried out for Ollie in my sleep, Ethan asked me why it was his name I screamed out for. Ethan couldn’t understand, and he never would.

  Talking about Ollie only hurt more, so I avoided all unnecessary self-infliction.

  Ethan’s fingers ran down my arms, giving my body silent permission to fill my lungs completely. “He’s gone, Mia,” he said in my hair with confidence. His arm reached under my arm, crossing over my chest, pinning me to his as if I couldn’t be close enough. “I�
�ll stay until you fall back asleep.”

  After day bled into night, it became impossible to hide. Ollie wasn’t here to get me through it, and I was angry. Ollie had taught me how to save myself, but this time, I was drowning, and I didn’t have the strength to swim against the current of the pain.

  But, Ethan kept my head above water.

  At least when I closed my eyes, I could pretend it was Ollie.

  And I was desperate.

  Chapter Three

  “What’s keeping me up at night

  is the haunting memory of that last

  breath you took right in front of me.”

  —Oliver Masters

  ollie.

  “CAN WE AT LEAST stop for tea? I’m in need of a caffeine fix,” I asked, all-knowing the answer, but this drive dragged. Plus, my restless legs needed stretching from the three-hour transport from the jail.

  The security guard didn’t bother entertaining my request, keeping his focus out the window of the small van. I didn’t remember him. He was dark-skinned with a shiny bald head and slim physique. The restraints pinged against the metal as I attempted to lean my elbows over my knees to steady my bouncing knee. I groaned and threw my head back against the torn leather. “You must be new at Dolor, yeah?” I asked, slicing the awkward silence. “Haven’t seen you before. What building are you stationed?”

  “We have another hour until we get there. Let’s make the next hour relaxing for both of us, alright?”

  Turning my head out the window, I wondered what could be waiting for me at Dolor. Maybe jail wasn’t so bad. Aside from being thrown into interrogation on numerous occasions for hours on end, I’d been treated fairly. It took five months for the detectives to put together a strong case against my brother, Oscar. At first, I hadn’t been cooperative, but only because I’d been angry … and I honestly didn’t know much. My brother wasn’t verbal with his indecencies. I could only confirm what I knew, which was the history of my mum, the names of the punters who came in and out of our childhood home, and what happened at Dolor.