Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Read online

  even when I’m gone

  Nicole Fiorina

  even when I’m gone

  Copyright © 2019 by Nicole Fiorina Books

  All right reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  Formatting by Stephanie Anderson

  Proof reader by Annie Bugeja

  Cover by Nicole Fiorina Books

  eBook Edition

  note from author

  Even When I’m Gone is the second book in the Stay With Me series. If you have not read Stay With Me, you will be lost and confused.

  A lot of research went into this entire series, beginning with Stay With Me and continuing in the second book of Mia and Ollie’s story. Between speaking with those who have lived with the subjects discussed and countless hours of research, I’ve learned that every person’s experience is unique in their own way. This story isn’t meant to change your mind, but to open your mind. For you to embrace those who are different and see that there are two sides to every story—both sides being correct depending on how you look at it.

  Difficult topics are discussed in this story. You may not agree with the character’s view points, but this is all part of character development. Their opinions may or may not reflect my own. Mature content, adult language, graphic sexual content, and disturbing matters may trigger an emotional response. Read at your own risk.

  I hope you enjoy my creative spin and this world I’ve built.

  Even When I’m Gone Playlist Available on Spotify

  https://spoti.fi/2mlHWFF

  dedication

  Dad,

  If you were here, you would have told me to let it go. But we both know I was always the wild card with my mother’s fierce spirit and your honest heart. So, I did it, anyway. Perhaps not in the way you would have expected, but I finally found a way to give you a morsel of justice compared to what you truly deserved. I wish I could do more, and I’m sorry I couldn’t have done something sooner.

  This is for you, Dad.

  This story is your justice …

  … and my revenge.

  Love,

  The daughter who can’t let it go

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Epilogue

  Prologue

  “I’m not so sure what’s more terrifying,

  the violent storm inside my head

  or the silence.”

  —Oliver Masters

  Ollie

  I HAD BEEN AN ARSEHOLE.

  And I’d known it at the time.

  You would think knowing would have made things easier.

  But it hadn’t.

  It had made leaving her worse.

  “Ollie’s back,” a familiar voice called out. I turned my head to see them both standing there—Jake and Mia. My eyes connected with hers, and though I wasn’t ready for it, everything I feared had become my verifiable truth. I’d once loved her, and it hadn’t been long ago when she was my everything. I remembered the way she’d made me feel, but now those feelings were replaced with something else.

  Betrayal? No. Anger? No.

  Something worse.

  Nothing.

  She looked at me, my little explosion of hope, eyes filled with belief. Only I didn’t have it in me. Instead, I turned and walked away.

  It was easier, Mia.

  I walked back to my dorm, and it was her footfalls echoing through the corridor. I should have known she wouldn’t have given up so easily, but I wasn’t ready to face her. Not yet. Not until I could give her the answers I knew she needed.

  I’d warned her this would happen, and now that it had happened, I saw everything so clearly. How could I ever love a girl that had been corrupted by my brother?

  Her hand grabbed my arm and spun me around. Before our eyes met, I knew it was her. I would always know her touch. Every inch of her had seared into my soul like a permanent tattoo—because we once belonged. Though I was gone, the pills could never erase the imprints her hands had left behind on my skin; the places she had touched.

  I hoped for a connection like I felt in the mess hall from day one—instead, nothing. I flashed her a smile. It was probably worse than anything else I could have done, but again, I didn’t have it in me.

  Dammit, Mia.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I deadpanned, unwilling to look her directly in the eyes, but only because I was scared. Fuck, was I scared. I didn’t want to feel anything. Because what if I did? Feelings made things more complicated. It was easier not to care, and that was what my body wanted me to do. So, I looked past her as if she were a fading shade of my past.

  “Say anything,” she pleaded, taking my hand in hers. It was all I ever wanted before—her touch. All I wanted at this moment, though, was the silence.

  Pulling away, I looked into her golden-brown eyes. I remembered it was all I’d used to search for in every room I’d entered. It was all I’d hoped to see when I woke up in the morning, praying for the golden-brown days over the dark-brown days.

  I had to push her away because I would only disappoint. It was for her own good.

  “You fucked my brother. I should have never allowed it to go on as long as it did,” I reminded her, which was all true. She screwed my brother, and even though our love couldn’t be tainted before, now it was. Tainted, because now my immune heart and soul lived in a world of the impervious.

  “Allowed what to go on?” she asked. Despite her chin pointed up, challenging me, tears shook in the corner of her eyes, and her lovely lips trembled.

  I breathed in.

  I breathed out.

  “You and I.”

  My eyes moved past her, and the all-familiar struggle in her breathing broke like the times I’d laid her over my mattress and pleased her with the same lips and to
ngue that just spoke those three simple words.

  She was acting strong. Hell, she was strong, and I showed her how. But I could strip her of her strength with a snap of a finger.

  “Ollie, it’s the medication. You don’t mean that. You promised me,” she showed me my ring on her pointer finger, “You fucking promised me, remember?” Her hand shook between us.

  “Don’t curse, darling. It’s a turnoff.” I took one step, but so did she—right out in front of me.

  “Tell me what to do, Ollie. How am I supposed to remind you?” she asked, desperation twined in her tone and beaten eyes—my little desperate explosion of hope.

  There was nothing to remind me of. I remembered everything.

  “You can’t. It’s over. You have to let me go,” I said, forcing out each word.

  She touched my face, and my entire body went rigid under her fingers. Standing at least a foot over her, I could easily pick her up and throw her to the opposite end of the hallway with little effort, yet she disarmed me with the tips of five soft fingers.

  My incompetent body and helpless mouth surrendered under her touch. Even my heart went on standby, obeying like a damn fool, awaiting orders.

  “Please, look at me,” she pleaded.

  Only a fraction of a centimeter to my left was needed to see her, and that small effort demanded every ounce of strength I had, and I had a lot.

  But it still managed to wipe me out.

  Our eyes met, and despite my lack of giving a damn, my hand covered hers over my face. My intention at first was to pull them both away, but something snapped inside me.

  And again, I couldn’t move.

  Mia inched her way closer, lifting off her heels, and my eyes closed before her lips barely brushed across mine. She pulled away slightly, and I opened my eyes to see her.

  Twelve freckles spread across her nose and under her eyes. Golden-brown eyes blazed from the fire in her soul. The sweet taste and heavenly aroma of … “Mia … ” Poetry.

  An abrupt crusade fought within me.

  A villain and a hero. An angel and a demon. Heaven and hell.

  A rush of emotions crossed over me in an instant, and I dipped down, immersing myself in them. I couldn’t help it. She was to blame. She always had the power.

  My reckless mouth grabbed onto hers, holding on for dear life. But not even her anchor was strong enough against the waves of the paralysis.

  Because then it was gone.

  I pulled away.

  “I’m such an idiot,” I whispered, and the dark side inside laughed like it was no big deal. I looked her over, thinking about how my brother’s hands were on her. Thinking of how he had touched her. How she was his before she was ever mine. “Stay away from me, Mia.”

  Five bloody words.

  Despite the alarming, gaping hole it left, I walked away.

  She cried out for me in the place I left her. My feet stayed in front of me, one right after the other, but the small fraction of my heart that hadn’t been corrupted by the pills screamed along with her, clawing at me from the inside out.

  I shoved my hands into my pocket to clench my fists.

  And I closed my eyes.

  Chapter One

  Seven Months Later

  “The two slowest deaths

  are absence and time.”

  —Oliver Masters

  mia

  HE STARED AT ME, his eyes fixed, steady, and without a smile. If one didn’t know better they would think he was bored. But I’d known Zeke for almost a year now, and this was the face of contentment.

  The room where we typically held group therapy was vacant on the weekends, and at first, I’d come here to ease my thoughts of Ollie and my itching fingers, but now I’ve continued to play the piano every Saturday to abate Zeke’s troubled mind.

  Dr. Conway said she had seen an improvement in Zeke since I started playing for him. I was just glad it was because of my own doing. For once, I’d improved life for someone instead of destroying it, and it felt good.

  Despite Ollie being gone, the time spent with him still changed me.

  Ollie changed me.

  “Okay, Zeke. Hour’s up.” I rested my palms over my thighs. Zeke didn’t speak, as always, but communicated “thank you” with a simple motion of his hand—as always.

  I’d picked up gestures here and there but mostly learned from a book I’d grabbed from the library. I wasn’t fluent in sign language, but Zeke’s patience never hindered.

  As soon as I stood, Zeke held up an “O,” and I already knew the direction of where the question headed. Zeke survived on routine, and just like every Saturday before, after I stood from the piano, Ollie’s name was brought up.

  I hadn’t seen Ollie since the day he slipped away. No one gave me any indication as to why Dean Lynch removed him from the program, but rumors spread as wide as Maddie’s legs here at Dolor. Some blamed it on Lynch’s carelessness and favoritism as if they understood the entire story. Supposedly, the Dean had decided to cast Ollie out to prove his dedication to Dolor’s core values. Others assumed he was removed temporarily while he and his brother were investigated. Both seemed plausible, and Lynch wouldn’t tell me otherwise.

  One thing I was sure of: I missed him.

  The first three months without him were unbearable, and these last three benumbing. The unknown only made it worse—not knowing if I would ever see him again, not knowing if he was okay, and not knowing if he had gotten better.

  “Stay away from me, Mia,” were his last words to me, but I refused to. He hadn’t been in his right mind, and that much he had warned me. And whether he was here or not, I would stay with him. Those last words were replaced by others he had said to me the night he snuck into the Looney Bin and confessed he was in love with me. “Stay with me, even when I’m gone.”

  Right now, he was gone.

  And over the last seven months in his absence, I stayed.

  Like every other Saturday, I provided Zeke with the same answer, “Close your eyes.” I forced a convincing smile. Ollie’s slow and haunting voice flowed through my head without admission. “If reality becomes unbearable, close your eyes. We were made with an imagination.”

  Clenching my eyes closed, I fought the tears threatening to fall.

  Not in front of Zeke.

  “Stop right there,” I ordered, peering down the corridor after closing the door to my dorm behind me. The blond hair boy froze and I narrowed my eyes. “Jake? Is that you?”

  Jake slowly turned around, and his thin lips managed to disappear under the force of his broad smile. “Crap-bag!”

  The next thing I knew, I was swept off the floor and engulfed in Jake’s arms.

  After the school year ended, Jake’s father signed him out of the program to attend a mission trip for his church. With Jake and Ollie gone, Bria and I had grown close.

  “I honestly wasn’t expecting to see you again,” I admitted once he set me back on solid ground.

  Jake’s blue eyes beamed down at me. “Yeah, well, I’m still gay,” he giggled, and I never thought I would have missed his giggle until I heard it.

  “Thank god for that,” I said through a laugh. “Heading to dinner?”

  Jake nodded, and we continued to walk down the hall side by side. “Catch me up on things. What’s happened over the last two months?”

  “Ollie’s still not back, and Alicia’s gone.”

  “What? No!”

  “Yeah, last year was her final year. I thought you knew that,” I said, tilting my head up to face him.

  Jake kept his eyes in front of him. “I knew it was her last year, but I was still hoping to catch her one last time,” his hand smacked his forehead, “Bollocks, I don’t even know her last name.”

  “Bria’s here, though,” I added in a hurry, hoping it would lighten
his spirits and nudged his arm with mine, “and Liam, and a really cute new guy.”

  Jake’s brow spiked in the air. “New guy for me or you?”

  “Ha! New guy, period. For no one,” I shook my head, “Just some eye-candy to keep your thoughts entertained.”

  “Name?”

  I took a tray from the buffet line. “You know, I don’t know his name. He’s quiet, doesn’t really talk to anyone.”

  Jake’s baby blues scanned the mess hall on a mission. “Is he here now?”

  I glanced over my shoulder. “No.”

  “We should go to his dorm and introduce ourselves, offer an invitation to our ‘pity-party,’” he said with a slight mock in his tone, and flashes of the time Jake and Alicia had shown up at my door to introduce themselves came forth. I smiled to myself. It seemed like ages ago when I’d first arrived here but it had only been a year.

  “You’re relentless.”

  “Girl, and don’t you forget it.” He lifted his tray and followed my lead over to my table. Jake and I both greeted Zeke before Jake took a seat at the end. “Any news on Isaac or Oscar?”

  Every time someone mentioned those names, my skin crawled. Oscar’s dark eyes, hands on my body, and taunting tone haunted me every chance they had. New Year’s Eve night still haunted me. Oscar, Ollie’s brother, was the very reason Ollie wasn’t here any longer.

  “Lynch confirmed Oscar’s behind bars for good,” I fell back in my chair, “he got thirty years after linking him to other sex crimes.”

  “And Isaac?” Jake asked with a mouthful.

  “Five. Isaac wasn’t a repeat sex offender. Was only here because of drug addiction, or at least that was the little amount of information Lynch would give me.”

  Jake nodded. “How’s Bria holding up?”

  “Good. She should be here soon,” I said, looking over at the entrance for her. “We’ve grown pretty close over the last few months. Dr. Conway and Lynch approved for us to hold an open support group once a week for those who suffered sexual abuse.”

  Jake’s eyes danced like a proud brother. “Look at you!”

  “Yeah, I put it together and convinced Bria to do it with me. Use our experiences for good, you know? Plus, I needed something to keep my mind occupied … ” I trailed off as Ollie, once again, invaded me.