Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Read online

  Couldn’t.

  Believe.

  It.

  There I was, trying to give my girl something she couldn’t live without—a reason to take back her words on being without me for a whole year, only to lose control with a heap of emotions. I blamed it on seven months without her. Yeah, let’s blame it on that.

  Tears reminded us we could feel.

  Pain reminded us we were alive.

  And I’d rather feel too much than feeling nothing at all.

  But right now, all I could feel at the moment was my hard dick against my joggers as I imagined myself inside her. The moment Mia had told me she loved me before reaching the inescapable brink, it had been enough to push me over the edge. It’s what our love did. But our climax was never the intended purpose—it was the result of what we shared.

  Falling back over the bed, I adjusted my hard-on and asked, “Have you been watching over her?” Zeke didn’t respond. The back of Zeke’s curly head faced me as he sat before the telly on the floor. “Someone’s messing with her. You think it’s the new security guard?”

  Zeke shook his head.

  “Do you know who it is?”

  Zeke shook his head.

  “Do you like The Office?”

  Zeke shook his head.

  Bloody hell, he wasn’t listening.

  “Alright, mate. I’m leaving, and I’m taking one for the road.” I reached into the fridge and grabbed another Schweppes. “See you tomorrow.”

  After the door closed behind me, Maddie’s eyes trapped me in before her body did.

  “Where ya off to in such a hurry?” she asked, taking the Schweppes from my hand and shaking the wisps of hair out of her eyes. I stepped around her, not in the mood for another pissing contest. “Did ya hear about your girl?”

  My feet stopped before my brain fully registered. Turning around, I finally looked at Maddie like she wanted all along. But all I wanted was to know what the fuck she was talking about.

  And all my dick wanted was to be inside something as it jerked at the closeness of a wet fanny. “What are you talking about?”

  Maddie drew closer and fluttered her lashes. I froze as she lifted herself on her toes and scraped her teeth along my earlobe. “Rumor has it, while you’re trapped in your room all hours of the night being a good ‘ole boy, Officer Scott creeps into Mia’s room and doesn’t come out until the sun comes up.” She pulled her head away. “Every night,” she enunciated.

  My mouth went dry, and I tried to swallow. “You’re a liar.”

  “Ah, I wish I was.” She shrugged. “Guess miss perfect isn’t so perfect after all.” Steam came out of my ears. I flipped Maddie around and squished the side of her face into the cement. My eyes made their rounds, scanning the hall to make sure we were alone. The security guard must already be in the mess hall for the dinner rush. “Ironic, isn’t it? You’re all fucked up while Mia’s getting fucked.”

  Clenching my jaw, I dug my fingers into the back of her neck as I leaned into her ear. “Leave her name out of your mouth.”

  Maddie’s arse grazed the chub in my pants. I should have known this was all a ruse to get to me. I released her, and she turned around and replaced her arse with her hand. “I love it when ya wear these joggers,”—her grip on me tightened, and my growing knob obeyed— “Let me take care of you.”

  “Fuck no,” I seethed, just as Jude walked by. He flicked his eyes back in front of him, pretending he didn’t see anything.

  “C’mon, O,” she whined, her hand doing me favors and my pelvis leaning into it—wanting it.

  Fuck.

  Mia.

  Mia.

  Mia.

  “I can’t. I have Mia. I love Mia.”

  Maddie walked backward, taking me with her until her back was against her door. My body, for some reason, wasn’t resisting the way it should have. Instead, my hand turned the door handle, and in seconds, we were both inside.

  “Ya, you keep telling yourself that.” Maddie yanked both layers down until my anxious cock emerged. Paralyzed and in need of a release, I didn’t stop her as she eagerly wrapped her lips around my aching dick, deep throating me like slapper who’d escaped from Hell. I wrapped my fingers through her hair, slammed my eyes shut, and pounded into her mouth. The girl gagged, unable to handle my size.

  What should feel good, didn’t.

  What should be getting me off, wasn’t.

  “Undress,” I ordered in a hurry before I changed my mind.

  Maddie happily climbed to her feet and removed her clothes as I rubbed over my slick dick. I wanted to blame Dr. Butala for turning me into this. I wanted to blame Maddie for instigating this. But the only person I could blame was myself.

  Images of Ethan creeping into Mia’s room consumed me, the red-headed wanker climbing into bed next to her. Him touching her, comforting her, being everything I couldn’t. I kicked off my shoes and jeans.

  Maddie’s skin was the color of milk, and her big breasts didn’t match her thin frame.

  “Condom?” I asked, not recognizing my own voice.

  Shamefully, I looked down, hating myself. God, I fucking hated myself.

  She retreated to her desk, bent over slightly, revealing a place I knew I shouldn’t go, but my throbbing dick wasn’t giving me much of a choice. Flashes of Scott kissing Mia compelled my feet forward. Picturing Scott touching Mia’s skin caused me to push Maddie over the desk and thrust two fingers easily inside her.

  Nothing like my love.

  But my head didn’t seem to care.

  Maddie moaned as I fucked her with one hand, and I yanked the condom from her with my other. My knee spread her legs wider, and I continued my assault. “Tell no one, you understand?”

  Maddie nodded. “Ya mean ya don’t want me to tell your precious Mia?” I fisted her hair and yanked her head back, and the cow cried out, “I understand! I won’t say anything.”

  I ripped the condom between my teeth and slid it over my pounding dick. Bending Maddie over, I ran my fingers back through her sex, finding her soaking wet. Like a slip ‘n slide, my cock should’ve easily slid inside her, but before I could, my dick went soft.

  What the fuck is wrong with me?

  I rested my hands over the edge and tried to catch my breath. “This isn’t going to work.”

  Maddie turned to face me, and my gaze fixed on her breasts as they bounced while she jumped up and sat at the edge of the desk. “It’s the condom. Take it off.”

  I gritted my teeth. “Have you gone mad?”

  Maddie pulled her knees up and dipped her finger inside her. I focused on what she was doing to herself. Her other hand gripped my cock. “Touch me, O.”

  “Touch me, Ethan,” Mia’s voice sang in my head as I imagined Mia laying out for Ethan across her bed, her delicate fingers roaming over her body. I couldn’t take it; the image hurt too much. When my imagination used to be my friend, it turned into my greatest enemy. I fought against the ache in my chest, and the burn behind my eyes as these dark thoughts devoured me whole.

  Desperation leads to regret, but at this point, I’d do anything to numb the pain—even if it were only temporary.

  Pushing Maddie on her back, I pulled her thighs apart, concentrating on the way she played with herself. The girl gave me a front-row seat, and naturally, my dick grew. “Keep going,” I coached her, listening to my arousal, but I was nothing but a coward. Her finger eased in and out of herself. “Yeah, just like that.” Soaking fucking wet.

  Each one of Maddie’s cries brought even more images of Ethan fucking Mia. I rubbed my dick across her entrance while my fingers pierced her thighs, keeping her spread and sure to leave marks. Maddie said some things, I was sure, but my head was in a different place as I tried to thrust into her …

  But I went soft again.

  For the l
ast, aggravating, time, I pulled away. Picking up Maddie’s desk chair, I threw it against the wall and ran my hands through my hair. “I can’t do this!” I grabbed my boxers and jeans off the floor and hastily got back into them. My first stop back to my dorm would be the bathroom to discard the only evidence of this colossal mistake.

  “Nothing fucking happened,” I warned Maddie, not bothering to look at her.

  “You’re right. Nothing happened, and nothing will ever happen until ya let Mia go.”

  What I wanted to do was choke her until she rendered unconscious and quiet, but that was the demons inside talking. I shook my head. “It will always be Mia.”

  “Funny, Ollie. You think it will always be you for her?”

  I froze under the comment. It hit me like a freight train. The smell of fanny and regret filled my senses, reminding me where my fingers had been and knowing it would be the one thing to lose Mia forever.

  What the fuck did I just do?

  mia.

  There were two people absent during lunch, and it stuck out like a flashing red light—Ollie and Maddie. I tried not to think of the worst-case scenario.

  Really, I tried.

  “Oh-my-god, Jude’s coming over,” Bria whispered, leaning over the table. “Act cool.”

  “I am cool,” I countered, pretending Jude didn’t make my skin crawl every time he was near. I believed he was the one behind the nasty pranks against me, only I couldn’t figure out the reason why.

  “Care if we sit with you?” Jude asked as his hair swept over his shoulder with Gwen by his side. “It seems our table got lighter all of a sudden.”

  Jude eyed the empty seat between me and the window, and Bria immediately spoke up. “Here, you can sit next to me. That’s Ollie’s seat.” Bria chuckled to herself. “For when Ollie comes back to his senses, of course.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think Ollie is making good decisions right now.” Jude laughed, and my face twisted when a sickness slid inside my stomach. Jude’s smile disappeared as he took a seat beside Bria. “Ah, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to—

  I waved my hand out in front of me to cut him off. “It’s fine.” I couldn’t bother to hear anymore, whatever he meant by it. Last year, the idea wouldn’t have crossed my mind, but seeing Ollie kiss Maddie right in front of me reminded me he was no longer the man I used to know. Now I could no longer be sure who he was at all.

  The table got quiet as I spaced off into the what if’s, when suddenly a hand landed on my back causing tiny splinters of pain to course through me from my injuries. “I’m sure they’re just talking,” Tyler whispered, and I bit my lip to control the discomfort.

  “Yeah, I’m not sure they’re doing much talking the way Maddie’s hand was on his junk,” Jude said with a mouthful of food. Bria hushed Jude, shoving her shoulder into him. “What? The girl needs to know, no?”

  It was all too much—finding out about my dad, the glass incident, and now this. My heart couldn’t take anymore. I pushed out of my chair just as Jake stood. “Mia?”

  “I’m okay,” I forced out. “I’m going to get an early start on a shower and go to bed.” Because of my promise to Ethan, I hadn’t told anyone about the glass incident, or the fact I was up the entire night before as Ethan pulled both large and tiny bits of glass from my body.

  I walked into the bathroom and there was only one other stall on and no security guard to watch over me. The only stall I ever used was unoccupied, and I turned it on before hanging my things inside. The steam swirled around me, making it even harder to breathe without Ollie and the thought of him with someone else.

  Stepping under the water, I attempted to drown out the noise inside my head. The visions of what Ollie could be doing this very moment with Maddie, remembering this was exactly the reason I needed him to stay away from me. Was I only pushing him into the arms of someone else?

  I should’ve fought harder for him.

  We should’ve stayed together.

  It shouldn’t be like this at all.

  And if I were honest with myself, every breath without him was a blessing because it took that much effort to breathe, and I finally understood what he had meant.

  As if I manifested him, it was Ollie who appeared before the mirror through the small opened slit of the shower curtain. His hair dripped over his naturally tanned skin, drops running through the details of his hard lines and faded tattoos. Black joggers hung low, and I snapped my attention back to his face when our eyes connected.

  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t look away.

  Then, instead of flashes of him and Maddie, it was only us and the moments we shared in this very bathroom. The only sound between us was the beating shower against the tile and my shallow breath. Familiar green eyes penetrated me through the mirror’s reflection.

  Tears fell from my eyes and I was glad I was under the water to hide them. Though my vision grew blurry, I was too scared to blink to break this connection.

  Ollie turned and walked toward me. His bare feet took a step into my stall and closed the curtain behind him, his eyes never leaving mine. It wasn’t a primal look, but more of a look mixed with heartache and despair. Still clothed, he took another step toward me, and we were merely an inch apart. Ollie stood over me, both our chests unable to find a calm rhythm. Water drenched his joggers, but he seemed oblivious to the weight holding them down.

  And I seemed oblivious to everything else around me.

  There was so much we both wanted to say, but words could only make or break this moment, and neither one of us wanted to take the risk.

  Each slow movement he made filled with hesitation, catching my reaction and relishing in the way it made him feel. His fingertips traced down the sides of my arms, and if it were the only touch I’d receive from him, it would be more than enough.

  Ollie lowered his head and grazed his lips across mine, then pulled away to see me.

  His green eyes laced with conflict, hopeless and hope-filled—only he could pull that off. Seconds passed us by in heartbeats hanging on by the movement of the other.

  And I stood frozen with a conflict of my own, afraid of every damn decision, yet him taking each doubt away by every subtle touch. His closeness healed and tore me open with every anticipating second.

  Ollie’s hands ran through my wet hair as his breathing staggered. I looked up for the first time under the water to catch his expression. Water fell over his lashes and lips, and the muscles along his jawline tightened. As if it were too much for him to bear, he pressed his forehead to mine, screwed his eyes shut, and his fingers gripped the back of my head.

  He pulled me into him as his lips touched mine, hovering, pulling away, drawing near, and my hands shook from holding back for this long. Breathing turned into a song, our ultimate playlist in our sacred moments such as this. But even silence told stories, wants, needs, and we always understood the same melody.

  The shape of his lips latched to mine, and a drawn-out breath of relief escaped through his nose. I grabbed hold of his waist to keep myself from falling as he breathed the one word that made time standstill.

  “Mia,” he breathed, his tone struggled in a wave of emotion. Ollie fell back against the tile, taking me with him. We kissed like it was our first and last time, happily trapped in an inescapable bond, tethered by lips, hearts, and souls.

  And the water turned cold, but we were on fire, knowing damn well this moment would burn into us until we could be together again.

  His tongue tangled with mine in a slow, soothing cadence, hitting every nerve, each stroke healing every ache. I sucked the water from his lips before returning to our dance of give and take. The taste of him sent a buzz through my bloodstream, making me dizzy and drunk on him.

  I moved my hands over his waistband, tugging it down when he pulled back and shook his head against mine. He opened his mouth as if he w
as going to say something, but it closed just as quickly. Ollie licked the water from his lips and kissed me one last time before stepping around me and exiting the stall.

  Motionless, I stood there, feeling empty and rejected.

  Time passed, I don’t know for sure how long exactly. I left the shower and moved on auto-pilot. Dressing, drying, staring at myself in the mirror. Waves of people rushed around me as I brushed my teeth, unable to comprehend my own thoughts or the words of others—until Dean Lynch’s voice came through the intercom.

  “We are on lockdown until further notice. I repeat, this is Dean Lynch, and we are on lockdown until further notice. Stop whatever you are doing, and retreat to your dorm for a headcount.”

  “Alright, turn off your shower, you know the drill,” a security guard called out after a single clap of the hand before he ushered people out the door.

  Questions and theories buzzed through the hall until I reached my door.

  It was nearly three in the morning when Ethan woke me. This time, he was already in bed behind me with arms clutched around my waist. I knew it was him by the way his stubble grazed my shoulder, and his warm breath hit my neck. Your body tends to remember the familiar presence of another before having to see with your own eyes.

  It was a sixth sense telling you when you should be scared and take action, and when you are safe in the arms of another. Everyone has it. Few choose to listen to it.

  My sixth sense confirmed Ethan had always belonged in my life one way or another. I just didn’t know what role he was supposed to play. Regardless, my mouth still opened and said, “Ollie,” attached with a denied hope.

  And as always, Ethan corrected me with a sigh, “Ethan. It’s always Ethan.”

  “What happened tonight?” I asked without turning around.

  Ethan let out a breath and dug his fingers into my waist.

  I didn’t feel guilty for the relationship we had, if anything, I was grateful for it. No one knew the depths and it was better that way. Around Ethan, I never had to identify what we had or put it into a box. He was a friend. He was my hero. He was everything when Ollie was gone. And he was everywhere when I needed him. He was my only anchor when everything else turned to chaos.